Mix up some alcohol, sex and empty emotion in a flask and you too will be on the road to becoming a Sunday chemist. You can never forget to sprinkle some of that hidden ingredient. You know the one that has no taste and you can’t see? What is that again? Oh yes, pheromones!
How delightful you like to portray yourself to others. Too bad that wasn’t the part I liked! Your wicked touch, your maniacal glance, and your ability to speak in ways I never knew possible are what drew me in. Falling and rising emotion filled fright. What is happening? Oh yeah, just my imagination getting the best of me. How typical.
“Get a hold of yourself!” A voice says from within. “No way!!” I yell, as I am pushing, screaming, twisting and turning to stomp on all that is holding me back. Going against all that I know is instinctually wrong, I decide to visit the lab of this Sunday chemist. Danger signs posted and lights flickering I enter.
Sometimes we have to learn things by experience. As it was explained to me in such a fashion that there are times that our own rationalization is ludicrous. As humans we often choose to give in completely to disappointment, because it’s familiar, instead of knowing how to deal with being cared for in a genuine form. I never really looked at it that way and now that I have…. I can’t even believe I did that!
There it was, that voice of reason and it wasn’t even my own! As much as I would like to believe that I always know what is best for myself, like I am sure we all do, that was the first time I had been literally smacked in the face with a reality that I did not even know disappeared.
Regrets? No not at all. Will I be more cautious with my actions? For the right situations I will. For others, I will still throw caution to the wind. I mean what is life without experience right?
How does one survive in a place filled with slime, greed, deceit and manipulation that I like to refer to as a hostile sewer? Have you ever realized that is the world we live in? I sure have and each day I am constantly having it shoved in my face as a reminder that I, just like everyone else, am nothing more than part of everything I despise.
I feel greedy at times, don’t you? I can say I am no angel and have had my deceitful and manipulative moments. I suppose accountability is a start right? If you respond as if you are an innocent by-stander I will call you out right here and now. We all play a part, some for the fight of good and others to keep us below them. How much more below can one get? Why do we push and shove one another? All for a temporary moment of victory that under it all is really a permanent loss?
Always having to be mindful of the company you keep. The words you speak. The secrets you have. How exhausting of an existence we have in this place. It has even come to the point that there is not even the slightest bit of humor in the situation anymore. I do not belong in this slimy hostile sewer. I know that. If I did, I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable and out of place.
I see the surface through the murky haze. Every day I make feeble attempts to reach it. It seems as though it just gets further away with every step forward. “Don’t give up! “ They say from up top. How do they even know what it’s like down here? Do we all start out down here and with time, experience, and effort finally shoot to the surface?
Maybe I was actually on the surface and fell in a hole caused by a moment of curiosity and/or recklessness. Sort of like Alice and the rabbit hole. Now that is an interesting perspective isn’t it? Could this be my journey out of the hole? How much further? …………..
Have you ever had that one image or event that has stuck in your mind since a very young age and you feel as though it has helped shape you into the individual that you are today and yet to become?
Some of you will be dishonest when you answer this question in your mind simply because you might feel ashamed or in denial of what you harbor that nobody else knows exists. I myself have learned to embrace and find solace in the darkness that is inside me. I see nothing wrong with coming to terms with who or what entices me and makes me feel alive in every sense of the word. I am sure that most would see this as a depressing and negative place, however, it is actually the opposite. For me, it is a comfort zone and a safe place that I am untouchable by others.
I am about to share with you a brief look into what that moment and image was that could’ve seemed so dark and demented to most. I remember being about nine years old and watched the movie Legend. That was when I first saw the most beautiful creature in the entire world. I realize that I am speaking of a creature from a movie, however, from the moment my eyes took in that image, I knew that was something so familiar to me. Darkness… that was the familiarity that I am speaking of. Magical, familiar, elusive, commanding, strong, and seductive all in the first tenth of a second. That was actually one of the first times in my life that I can literally and vividly remember having that warm rush flow through my entire body. Something happened to me from that moment on in my life that made me realize that I was built just a little different on all levels, especially a spiritual one. I knew then I must find that magnificent devil in order to be complete.
Darkness spoke to me and I listened. My eyes wide, breath held and mesmerized by this magnificent devil before me. I found myself drawn deeper and deeper into that realm. Funny thing is, even at a young age I understood the representation this movie portrayed and what being part of a collective felt like. I suddenly found I was rare but not alone
Only twice in my 37 years of life have I encountered others such as myself. Finding them has been life changing and challenging at the same time. I have come to embrace them for the creatures they are and the lessons that they teach. It can almost be thought of as a symbiotic relationship. I know and feel every time that exchange happens. What a hypnotic and intoxicating journey to say the very least. There is that saying that people come into your life for a reason and for me, I hold those words true. Although my journey has taken me to the edge and back on several occasions, I have yet to meet darkness in it’s entirety. I understand why. I have not finished learning, therefore, I am not fully equipped for what my future holds. So I will continue along and with each passing encounter I will absorb more and more until I become a magnificent devil.
I am sure there will be those that are under the assumption that I am referring to evil or even sound suicidal. That actually is the furthest thing from the truth. There is beauty and good in everything and once you have had your eyes wiped clean of the idealistic film that the world has created in order to keep you controllable you too will either have a memory or experience that takes you to where you belong and shapes you into the individual your are today and yet to become.
You know that burn you feel from desire? How about the burn from pain… As humans we all know that burn. Whether it is a pleasant burn or a painful one, it is one of the top things we as humans all have in common. I like to refer to it as the “Burning Ruby” There is times that it burns brighter than others but all in all it is always burning.
Lately my ruby has been burning with what I recognize as desire. When I speak of desire, I am not simply referring to the yearning for one simple thing. I think that it is more so like a desire to feel or be complete. How does one ever know they are complete? I feel happy in life; have an amazing family, children, and friends. I have stability financially and have learned to appreciate all that I have been blessed with through dedication and determination. So what’s missing?
I have started to wonder if all of these things above are what make us complete and can’t help but question the fact that it can be so simple. Maybe it is not the desire to feel complete at all that I “desire.” How absurd sounding right! Wrong…. When will we all start to realize with each passing moment that we are the only thing that is stopping ourselves from feeling or being complete? Maybe it is something that never happens for humans because if it did, would that ruby cease to burn? Could it be that in order to truly be complete in life, we must first be complete within?
As I lay in the bed reflecting on the events of the past 24 hours, my heart yearns for an emotional release. Trapped deep inside, the pain rips away at the little feelings that remains for a deep rooted craving that will never be satisfied. Struggles felt and emotions running rampant with every passing second. Questioning myself and my abilities to obtain and maintain composure I have noticed that patience seems to be that one virture I just am unable to grasp. Surely I can’t be the only human that battles with this war can I?……. Why must I have this flaw? Feeling as it is a curse more than anything else, I now know that the struggle is real and the battle has begun. At this moment I feel as though I do not have the upper hand no matter how aware I am and my feeble attempts always seem to fail me and those around me. I have experienced the good, bad and ugly and it always seems to be in that order and inevitable to end with ugly. Now comes this day of looking at my reflection of what I see staring back at me and the false perceptions of those around me. I seem to be blinded by the beauty that eminates from others and repulsed by the monster looking back at me. Could it be true? Could I be a beautiful monster? Or is it that we all are beautiful monsters and I don’t see it because we are all one in the same and the beauty I am blinded by is what I yearn to be?……. only time will tell.